My 10pm walk with Queen Doom and the dogs last night was
awesome. While totaling only about a third of a mile and still in my boot, I
had no pain and actually started walking semi-normal again. It seems (as long
as I monitor it) walking on my heel is behind me now and I can gradually start
flexing and stretching the arch to the toes. Within seconds the smell of the
wet asphalt, newly watered shrubbery and fragrant flowers filled my head. It was
almost as if the torrential downpour in Golden Valley last night was a sign
from nature, clearing away all the smoke in the air. Things that are broken,
burnt or hazy will be become new and clear again with some care and of course, time.
It’s ironic to think of all the epic runs I had this year a third of a mile walk
around the block could be so thrilling. I was moved by the walk, so much so at
1am I woke up, got out of bed, grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled some
notes.
I awoke this morning feeling fresh for the first time in
months and hopefully ready to change my perspective, I looked at my notes
tucked into my wallet before I did anything this morning.
October 25th
Dominique
Sasha
Zeke
Tim
Cheryl
Patty
Ezra
GoGo
DMS
Burning Man
866
My two buckles
Nelson Family Clan
I've written down good things in my life (in no particular
order), the things of which I am proud. Not everything of course, after all I
did this in a, just awoken stupor, but the big stuff none the less. None of
those things are perfect, but they all in their own way have helped me create a
wonderful life. I've had trouble recognizing the good in things for a while
now. I’m choosing to change; I’m going to look at this list once a day for a month
first thing when I wake up, before the reality of the trials and tribulations
of life creep in. I've found myself over the last 6 months or so not smiling
and generally not terribly happy. I've allowed life’s issues to bury my positivity;
I once sought the good in everything. Lately I dwell on the bad, unable to see
the light.
Last night I was reminded of perspective. I could only walk
a third of a mile, a relative blip on the screen compared to the 30+ mile
jaunts in the wilderness of early in the year. I could (and lately would have)
dwelled on the fact that a third of a mile is insignificant to me. The thought
process of “all I can do is a measly third of a mile” would have been my go to
thought. Instead, half way through the walk right after I said to Dominique “I’m
glad we did this” my perspective changed. I’m not sure why, but the thought “I
get to go around the block with my three favorite beings” dominated my mind. It
was a perspective epiphany of sorts I guess.
I thought this foot thing was going to be 3-4 weeks, which
in hindsight was idiotic and based solely on the amount of pain not severity of
the injury. It’s been 4 weeks and I’m nowhere near close. It’s clear now; we are
talking more like 6-10 weeks (you know....like what I was actually told, but chose not
to believe). 2 weeks from now I was hoping to do a double circumnavigation of
Lake Tahoe, I had hoped to have been coming off the heels of an epic 130 mile
solo journey to my most cherished city in the world, instead I've been blessed
with time. Time to get my house in order; I've been amazingly productive on
that front. Time to help my fiancé with wedding plans; time to sleep in on
weekends and time to learn how to ride that road bike I bought the last time
this happened, a massive change in perspective indeed.
I love to run and run far. I miss my mornings on top of Peavine
as the sun rises, for the first time since I started running in 2009 I could
not run to my spot on Peavine and watch the hot air balloon races. I know those
things will come back to me, hopefully I've learned that I cannot constantly
push the envelope with my health. Because when I do, inevitably I will lose
those things I love due to injury. 4 stress fractures, plantar fasciitis and a
torn tendon in 4 years with 1.5 years being the longest I've gone without an injury
is just not acceptable. I do not have
just myself to worry about anymore; I need to be healthy for my family. I need
to step back from some of my selfish ways and start thinking about the how I
can make this work. I need to stop doing what I want and start doing what is
smart. If I’m to continue on with running, and achieving my considerably lofty
goals, I have to make changes all over the place.
Life is a roller coaster and sometimes when the dips are
long enough I forget that they will not last. I become cynical and negative. I
make it hard for those around me to care for me, because I retreat back to my
safe place. I think by looking at this list first thing in the morning I’ll be
reminded of how truly fortunate I am. There have been times in my life when I
could not write even 1 entry on that list, I’m blessed those days are gone. I
know a lot of people who would struggle to find anything good going on for them
right now; I am blessed to not have those problems.
I’ve got it good…real good. It’s time I started reminding
myself of that more often and of course, cutting myself some slack. If there is
one dominating thought I brought home from Burning Man this year it is this;
the pursuit of perfection (ie my constant pushing of all things) is fine and
dandy but you’ll always be disappointed if being perfect is the only acceptable
outcome. I’m changing my perspective, it's my choice and that's the way it should be.
