Going in I knew things would be tough mentally. However I had convinced myself late the night before that I was stronger than my mind, I was sure I could manipulate myself to have a great day. This was, in a word, DUMB. A stupid naive thought that in reality now seems ridiculous. I learned three weeks ago my mom has cancer, nothing I can do is going to remove that from my mind. Yet, completely convinced of my mind powers, I started the race believing nothing was wrong.
I went into the race tired. I knew physically I was spent but that was the goal, I did not realize how mentally damaged I was. Within a couple of miles I was fully aware that my mental state was going to be the issue this time around.
|108 excited runners about to embark on 50 miles of Peavine Awesome!|
The early miles of this race are interesting. Most people go out fast. The terrain is such that a strong runner can run all of it, but there is the rub. Who's a strong runner? Most people are not strong 50 mile runners, and running now, ends in a bad way around mile 30 if you over estimate your running prowess. I started slow, a classic maneuver I've grown to love. However today with tired jelly legs and mind, slow was actually snail like. I crested the switchback at mile 4, I got my first view of Reno and realized no one was behind me. I was last as far as I could tell. In 2011 I never once was in dead last until the cutoffs. Here I am 4 miles in....last. Holy Crap this day is not starting out well.
I was approaching the mark that is closest to my house and it was 7am. I considered for a short time running home and calling it a day. I was really not in the mood for a run but as I would tell myself for the next 12 hours "Chemo is going to suck much more than this".
8 miles in and I got a nice little vacation from the race. I reached the Pond, a place that is special to me. I've visited this spot more than probably anyone on the planet. It is 4 miles from my house and I'm probably there once a week. I've been going there since 2004, I've spent countless hours sitting by the water just pondering life. Today I would ponder my moms life. Fortunately for me Reno Running and Fitness mans the aid station at the pond and seeing their faces really helped me out on the mental front. This was good, because the rest of the race would be trying on the mental front....to the point of almost breaking me.
I like to think I'm strong, but today was one of those days where I'm not so sure. I left the pond thinking about my mom. Within a couple of minutes I was leaking from the eyes, and thus started my day. Not crying, just leaking a steady stream of water falling from the corner of my eyes constantly for the next 10 hours. My god it sucked, but "Chemo is going to suck much more than this" I kept telling myself. My mom is a fighter and god damn it today I was going to honor that spirit. I walked almost all the hills this year, I was OK with that. There was a bit of a "bummed" feeling that I had since I have put in so much work this year to actually RUN hills but the reality was "just get what you can done" needed to be good enough today.
I relaxed, while still leaking and crested Peavine for my first time still quite ahead of 2011's pace. That year I got to this point and ran my heart out, it's downhill for the next 7 miles and if there is one thing I KNOW I do well in running it's getting down a hill fast. That year I remember averaging around 9 minutes a mile and I got to the long valley aid station (mile 19) crippled. I burned myself out and this year I was determined not to make that mistake. I started down the hill and saw another runner. I passed her and saw another....OK I thought to myself 14 miles in and now everyone is on tired legs and I'm doing good. Playing field is level....well except for the fact we were running up and down hills and all. I reached the mile 19 aid station and experience in ultra running was blatant. I averaged 8:45 a mile on my way to this aid stop and I in no way was taxed. All of it was easy running for me. I left Long Valley charged and ready to run. Only my mind and now my body had different idea's.
It has just started to get warm here and like always I underestimated my hydration needs. The leaking + warm weather meant I should have been draining bottles quickly. Yet I am almost 20 miles in and I've had a grand total of 40 ounces of water. I'd just refilled both bottles for the first time at the last aid station and I was still, even with this knowledge, completely unaware that I was thirsty and dehydrated.
This would unfortunately hinder me from here on, I just did not know it yet. Truth be told I should have drained both bottles right then, filled them at the next stop and drained them again before I left. I would tell anyone I was pacing to do this and anyone I coach to do the same. However, recognizing that as a runner is something I'm still working on. I got to Dog Valley aid station still feeling OK physically but the monotony of the road we were on was giving me time to ponder. Pondering was not doing me well in this case....more leaking and more dehydrating.
I got to the hill just before ranch creek and powered up it. I crested the top and had an odd sensation in my left calf. Another sign of dehydration that I refused to listen to. Cramps suck as I'm sure all women will attest too. I ran down the hill to ranch creek well but the pain cave was now within reach and I was headed straight for it. Golly gee, I'm 26 miles in dehydrated SOOOOO 2011! All this experience and training and I'm still making the most basic of mistakes.
I got to the River Bend a half hour ahead of 2011. Physically I was fine, I was cramping majorly but that was a hydration issue. I sucked down a bottle at the aid station. I really really wanted to quit at this point. "Chemo is going to suck much more than this" I kept telling myself. I just could not quit, and typical me I did everything I could to hide my true feelings at the aid station. The whole day I interacted with people like nothing was wrong, only to get to a point where I was by myself so I could let out how wrong everything was. I suspect most had no idea of the metal anguish I was inflicting on myself.
|Drinking...just a bit late|
I reached the summit of Peavine for the second time, I had planned for this to be the glorious ending that resulted in me pounding out 8-9 minute miles for the last 11 downhill miles. I was in no condition to do that though. I sat down in a chair for the first time all day 10 hours into the race. I had a horrible bout climbing that last mile between my mind and my body. I wanted to run, I could not. I kept thinking, "this is probably how mom is gonna feel. Like she wants to but can not, Chemo is going to suck much more than this". Now the mantra was not helping, every time I said this I started to break. 10 hours in and I could not hold back the emotions.
I ate a whole quesadilla, a sausage and rosemary potatoes at this aid station. The "Squirrel" really had his minions in top form. I finally started drinking as well, slow learner I guess. I was having a horrible day but when the Squirrel asked me how I was doing I realized I was still 40 minutes better than 2011. The day was not going well but I was performing decently given all the circumstances.
The last 11 miles were a blur, literally and figuratively. Each mile brought with it another emotional breakdown, by the time I reached the last aid station I was done. I was going to finish but I just had nothing left to give to the run. I walked 3 miles to the finish, the downhills, flats and hills. I ran the last 400 yards, again in an attempt to show the world nothing was wrong.
I finished and saw my queen and my dogs at the finish. I've never been to the finish of a race where my dogs were there, it was quite awesome. I reached the line in a hair over 12 hours almost an hour faster than 2011. I succeeded, but I did not feel like I did. I finished but there was no elation on my part, no "happy" left in me. I turned to my queen hugged her and totally broke down. I was now crying, not leaking. I hated that run and everything I went through.
It was about this time that I saw another surprise. A good friend and the one I ran the half marathon in February with was at the finish. He also was at the finish of Western States, damn I thought to myself I know how rough a go he's had this last year and yet he's here supporting me. I sat down on the grass with both dogs licking my face. My queen on my left and my friend on my right. The next thing I knew the Prez was right there congratulating me on a fine performance. He told me I was strong and what an achievement today actually was. I told him that was the most excruciating 12 hours I'd ever had and I compared it to being in solitary confinement. I uttered the statement, "there is no way I can finish TRT if I do not figure this thing out" I simply could not escape my mind the entire day. Running did not provide me a safe haven, in fact if made it worse.
|Zeke, my boy!|
As I have come to expect the race was top notch. The Silver State Striders were out in full force and every aid station and course worker was excellent. All three distances offered are awesome, this is not an easy race for anyone but it so empowering. The course is relentless but rewarding. The views of Reno are outstanding and the fact it is on Peavine is awesome.
I'm running my first Reno Tahoe Odyssey this weekend and I look forward to seeing how I respond from this experience. I suspect I'll respond well to it, cause that's just what I do. Like my mom, I'm a fighter, I'm stubborn and both those traits work well for success. My running inspires my mom, she revealed that to me in our last conversation, that made me proud. I love to run, but I got lost for a month or so and questioned why I should continue. The "why " is probably going to change from year to year but I hope the benefit does not, running makes me happy. Its really as simple as that. I'm ready to get back to work, to be the best person and runner that I can be. I'm going to run TRT and I'm going to run it well. The granite underbelly of the TRT course has no idea what I have in store for it.